Diabetes, I hate you.

I’ve been in a writer’s block and use the “Kitchen Timer” method including having a journal pulled up. One day while trying to write what I needed to write- this is what came flying out of my mind and onto my keyboard. After that, I felt a bit better and my writing juices were flowing once again. The past few months have included a lot of loss… specifically in the diabetes community and a family member.

Dear Diabetes,

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate everything about you and everything you do.

I hate you.

I hate the way you make me feel.

You hurt the people I love.

I really truly hate you.

I hate you.

Deep down to my core- to my bones.

I can feel this hate in my soul.

This hate- it shakes my entire body.

I hate you.

Yes- you have brought a community, passion, and people but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I hate you. I love my community, passion, and people, but I hate you.

I really truly hate you.

There are so many reasons I hate you.

The money, the time, the symptoms, the pain, the complications, the scars and bumps, and so much more.

But right now- I really truly hate you for a specific reason-

You hurt the people I love.

You hurt them in so many ways.

You hurt them and you take them away from us- from me.

You hurt them directly. But you also hurt the people who love them and the communities that support them.

You hurt them.

I hate you.

Why do you have to do this?

I hate you!
When do I feel better?
How many times do I have to say I hate you?
How many nights do I have to scream into my pillow?
Why do I have to worry that the grief you cause will strike me at the inopportune moments?
Why do you become a trigger and remind me of people we’ve lost- I’ve lost?
Will the “seriousness” of diabetes ever stop being the main thing on my mind?
Will I stop fearing the worst when someone doesn’t respond in the timeframe they usually do?
Will the tears be less frequent?

I know I will feel better day by day and work through it all- because we’ve been here before- and we will be here again. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.

I hate you. I hate you so much. I don’t want to feel this way. You already do so much and cause so much damage- why do you have to take?

As I sit here and write- I feel the hate and I feel the hurt- I just want it go away. I don’t know what to do in this moment besides sharing my hatred for you. Because sharing through writing is part of my self-care- especially when the emotions are so strong- and I’m experiencing the sad kind of emotions.

Did I mention I hate you? I can remind you again- and I will- again and again.

I’ll say I hate you until the sun consumes us.
I’ll scream into each and every pillow I own (trust me it’s a lot).
I’ll let myself feel it- miss the people who are gone- appreciate the good memories.
I’ll work through the grief- even if it means finding those hiding places in public when it is the worst time.
I’ll continue to take care of you but you won’t be taking over my head space all of the time.
I’ll remind myself to not automatically go to the worst scenarios.
I’ll let myself cry when I need to.

But even after all of that, I’ll still hate you- because I always do. My hatred may not be all consuming but it is still there. Right now, it’s pretty damn consuming and consistent. I know that will change.

I hate you.

Because you hurt the people I love, you hurt me too- which increases my hate for you.

Diabetes, I hate you. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Throughout my entire soul. I’ll say it again and again until I feel better and until I need to say it again.