Sometimes, I feel like I really have my life together.

But often I don’t.

Then there are the times where I feel like I’m on display on the hot mess express.

Do you ever feel like you’re on the hot mess express?

Some of those times- it’s all about the ‘betes.

“Hello, I’m Mindy, and today I’m the conductor of the Diabetes Hot Mess Express.”

I try to embrace the hot mess express. I’m perfectly fine with it. We don’t all always have our life together- even if on the outside it looks like. In my mind, do we ever rarely? We can hid the hot mess express in our minds, our inboxes, our bookbags, and sometimes our homes.

Well today was not one of those days were I could my hot mess express- especially the diabetes parts of it.

It started yesterday late afternoon. My financial life has been somewhat of a rollercoaster the past year and a half. Ups and down- but the past month it’s gotten a little more stable (that freelancing/consulting life!). However, I’m still “recovering” getting to where I feel like I’m caught up on bills, savings, etc. Well yesterday, I felt so on top of it- I was going to a pay a bill early!

Backstory time: Before I head home each day, I try to knock off some of my to do list- I do not trust myself once I walk through my apartment- with kitties, a comfy chair, and Netflix waiting.

I paid my bill- feeling really good and on top of life- so I took my walk home. I noticed I was low on insulin but had enough for the evening ahead. In my head, I knew I had an opened vial of insulin (see- I trust my gut- it’s almost always right- my head and heart on the other hand- it can go so many ways!). I’d change my site once I was just about out of insulin.

I got home. Opened my fridge, and to my dismay-

There was not a fresh vial of insulin.

My pharmacy was still open BUT- remember something I checked off of my to do list? Well- I wouldn’t be getting available money in my bank account until the next day.

AWESOME. Go me! I of course had a slight panic moment (yay anxiety!) But, I went to my pharmacy’s app and requested to refill scripts, my short acting insulin and long acting insulin. I didn’t fill it at my usual pharmacy but the one closer to the office of my current gig. I had enough insulin in my pump to get me through most of the night with my basal (and I’m POLI). I had enough insulin in the vial for the entire day (even pizza Wednesday!), but that’s not enough to fill a new cartridge in my tslim insulin pump.

Well I was a little short on my estimates I guess- I ran out of insulin around 4AM. I decided to just yank out my pumpsite and have a little mini pump vacation until my fresh vial was in my hands. Well, I stuffed the pump into my chair cushions because of the alarm it makes when it’s out of insulin. It annoys me and freaks my cats out (I very much understand why the alarm is the way it is though!).

I woke up a little bit later to get ready for the day. I got ready and ate breakfast- giving insulin through an injection. As I’m heading out the door, I check the status of my prescription. I figured I could get it right after my first meeting/shortly after they opened.

My long acting says- pending.

But my short acting- the insulin I kinda (well really) need right now- says delayed because of an insurance issue. EXCUSE YOU!

A slight panic sets in, but I figure it’ll all be okay.

After my meeting, it still said the same thing. A little bit later, I headed over because I didn’t want to take more tresiba to be pump free without plans…

I arrived at the pharmacy, it’s ready… but not my long acting insulin. I don’t want to go back and out of my way, again. So I waited. And I waited. I had to go up several times.

Then there was an issue with my copay discount card. An issue with the system and checking out. My quick run to the pharmacy no longer felt like a quick run.

I finally got what I needed. Checked out. Then rushed back to the office. The pizza was early! I was also a little flushed and sweaty.

I was already hangry before I went to the pharmacy. I was going to sweat off a new pumpsite. I prefer extended boluses for pizza- but decided to go ahead and give half of it via injection.

So after lunch, I had my stuff with me- I went to go change my pumpsite. I get all situated in the bathroom. (My pump site rotation schedule is now on my upper thigh- can’t just change that in the middle of an open office environment. Plus the beeps while it loads.)

I got to my pump to start the process to load my insulin.

I completely forgot that my pump was off… Because I didn’t want the no alarm to go off all day….

So grab my stuff and go to my desk. Looked through my bag- and I could picture the charger I need to turn on my pump still plugged into my (energy saving) power strip (activated by a lamp which I turned off when I left). Luckily I found someone with the right charger. I press the button for what felt like forever to turn my pump back on. Victory. But of course the beeping started. I grabbed my stuff and rushed back to the bathroom.

I put in a new pumpsite and drew up the insulin. Got ready to do what I needed with my pump. It’s off again- I didn’t press next/moved too slowly. So I had to get myself situated. Head back to my desk to ask for the charger again.

That time, I waited until I started the loading process. Then luckily, I found an empty meeting room- and let the insulin fill the tubbing with beeping- behind a closed door.

I don’t think my coworkers would mind it but I don’t want to draw attention to myself or disturb anyone. Plus I’m new here!

Then, I sat back at my desk- and after all of that time- now my BG started to spike- honestly out of stress and pure embarrassment. Face red. Staring at my computer screen for a moment.

I felt like I was on the hot mess express with all eyes on me.

I wanted to hold up a sign saying

“I promise I usually have it together- including with my diabetes!”

Honestly though- that’s a lie- maybe not a lie- but a show

“I promise that I act like I have it together”

Is more appropriate.

The Diabetes Hot Mess Express

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We’ll both be glad you did! -Mindy