I haven’t felt this way to this point in a very long time.
It’s not diabetes burnout exactly.
It’s not anxiety specifically.
It’s just my overall feelings.
I haven’t felt even close to this way since high school. I conveniently blocked it from my memory.
Until I realized the feeling. Of course it crept up on me. I didn’t notice at first. But all the sudden I realized it. It hit me all at once- the realization.
I’m angry and bitter (and to stay “hip”- really salty) about a lot of things. I don’t like this kind of anger where I struggle to make is constructive. I feel bad bringing it up regularly. But I have to. I know that it’s more than anger. But that’s easier to put into words and express.
That is one difference between me now and in high school. Thank goodness. I actually reach out or let it out. Instead of allowing it to just completely boil over- to the point where I can’t turn the heat down or place a wooden spoon across the pot. I’ve come close, but constructive coping skills and reaching out have made the difference.
It’s also feeling like I’ve back tracked with self-esteem a little bit. Even though I’ve been trying so hard to work on it. And have come so far. But I’m questioning everything and not believing in myself. I feel like I’m falling behind on things I want to be doing.
And burnout and indifference towards my health- especially diabetes is strong right now.
I started to get critical of myself- Asking what am I doing? How did I get here? I’m failing. Why am I not stronger and more sure of myself?
But unlike other times. I thought to myself- wait. And wrote this out. Because it helps me to process.
And mental health and going through stuff is definitely a journey and. Like so many of the images and cartoons that surface- it is NOT a straight line. There’s ups and downs and no end point. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I just need to remind myself of that. That there are triggers out there and things happen in life. Things and people- out of your control.
And it’s okay to feel and be honest.
It’s okay to tell someone what they’re doing/have done is not okay.
It’s okay to walk away from a situation that is unhealthy for you. Even if you never thought it would be that way. And especially if you tried to work through it.
It’s okay to change your plans or not have one. Or maybe you have a few options you could make but are unsure.
I’ve been trying to turn my emotions into something constructive because that is definitely how I process. And I finally see some things coming together. Some things have helped me to feel better. Even though this introvert sometimes wants to run from it. Getting pulled from my comfort zone and dragged to social things- can help. But it’s also good to have some time to recharge and be alone if needed. Just make sure that there are people in your life who will drag out of your bubble.
I was pushing hard to crank out more blogs. And this isn’t an explanation or an apology about me being not as involved recently. More of an update. But also keeping to my promise of being honest and open.
But I can see myself coming out of it and working my way out. It won’t be a snap of the fingers kind of thing, and there’s one really big change I’m working on (that I believe will make all of the difference.)
There have been things that have definitely helped.
Like getting that tattoo I’ve been wanting- my take on the light at the end of tunnel.
Like taking an unintentional social media and blog break. I didn’t force it or plan it. It just kind of happened, and I needed it.
Like DBlog Week arriving and giving me something to focus on- topics to work off of it.
Like moderating #DSMA for the first time and focusing on self-care.
Like my copy of “The Faces of Diabetes” book arriving to my doorstep.
Like being with people I care about and surrounding myself with love.
Like taking off the high alert on my CGM until I was ready to put it back on (which I just did this morning).
and of course- telling myself it’s not failure but just life.
Hey you! Yes, you!
If you enjoyed this post, please comment and share. I’d also appreciate your feedback.
and of course-don’t forget to keep up with “There’s More to the Story” via email! (Right sidebar towards the top).