warning- this is a rant- and not as cheery- and I did not go through and edit it.
sometimes we take a moment to turn around and see what’s behind us. what’s been going on. What’s really been going on- beneath the mask that we display to the world. and sometimes- sometimes we go wow, but often we also ask ourselves what or how. A simple question- but with a not so simple answer.
currently- the music is filling the living room. I’ve cleaned all I can through anger. My go to playlist for moments like this. The music I always count on- the music that is always there.
But is it really anger? At one point in my life- I was told anger is a mask- it hides and contains a vast array of emotions- that we cannot also pick out- or usually- that we do not want to acknowledge to the rest of the world or ourselves.
But for now- I’ll go for anger.
I don’t approve of the one-up game. I will not play it- no matter how much you push it on me. I don’t think that is a way that we should live our life. I don’t think there is a worst of the worst necessarily. All emotions should be acknowledged- all experiences go up and down. And don’t we all deserve to let it out? to be acknowledged- how we feel, what’s going on in our lives.
so if you wish to play the one-up game- you’ll have to find another player. Because I will drop it. and walk away. I’m not that person anymore.
I won’t just sit there and take it.
I was having a rough day- and again- I tried to reach out- but I should know better by now- I shouldn’t reach out- try to reconnect- try to fix it. Because I should face it- there is not a chance of that.
I woke up 8AM- blood sugars just a little above target. Went for my run- felt the sick high in the middle of it- and instead of doing 7 miles- I only got in 3. Get home. 9AM- 303 and I feel awful. Corrections and water I go. 11AM- 486. Changed pump site – fresh insulin and everything. Raised temp basal. only a little bit of ketones- but I feel like I got hit by a train. My stomach is churning. I cannot concentrate on anything- including the studying I had planned for the afternoon. I lost 5 hours worth of studying- and I tried. Eventually I get 386 at 1PM. I feel like a balloon with all the water in my system.
I head to work- at 4PM- I’m 352.
5:30- 272. Okay- we’re getting somewhere.
7:45- 192- finally something below 200. I still feel awful at this point- and in full swing at work. I’m already irritated. Then a moment around 4 comes to bite me. I made the mistake of mentioning I didn’t feel well and I was irritated because I was running high. Shouldn’t have said a word. because the comments start flying in-
“What did you do?”
“not a reason to be in a bad mood.”
and it continues. I hang up the phone.
and finally when my blood sugars are starting to be nice- the texts start streaming in. I have to turn the phone off- because I cannot handle a pity party and excuses right now.
at that point- I decide I am done- again. for the second time- but we’ll see where this goes I guess.
That was not what I had in mind for my sunday- and my mood- my mood now and then still reflects it- not just the blood sugars- because sometimes something happens- and there is no clear answer- and it will pass- and I did all I could do.
but- the comments and the pity party and the one-up game- no thank you. I know better- but I need to act like I know better too.
I’m about to get a little real right now- with a diabetes undertone I’d say.
I should be going to bed right now- but the laundry is still going and I decided I should backup my laptop with the kind of broken screen late at night. and I cannot handle to study another minute. so I decided to write- and before I fall asleep- read a little as well.
and yes- I know- FINALLY getting consistent again- but welcome to the rest of my life as well. back to schedule. back on track.
-Love, words, inspiration, and insulin. – until next time! and until there’s a cure!
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