so the main reason I started this blog? time to back track it. Before leaving for Paris- I started trying to look up information/tips/stories in regards to Type 1 Diabetes and traveling-
Here’s what I discovered-
- There really wasn’t a whole lot out there- not what I was looking for.
- A lot of it was general information that Doctors usually tell you. or you already know.
- most websites repeated the same information over and over again- and it was very general
- a lot of it didn’t take into account that everyone is different.
- no offense- but almost all of the information was about type 2 diabetes or what causes diabetes – like the bio clock). I have type 1. Where’s the love?
- There’s some information that I think would be very useful that isn’t out there
- I did find some stuff that seems like someday it will be helpful… but…
- it is only in scientific terms and such.
I decided that this wasn’t okay. I decided that Type 1 Diabetes plus traveling like this- study abroad style- needed to be told from a first person narrative- someone who gets it- maybe put a funny spin on it (am I funny?)- tell it in understandable terms- someone who has it. ya know what I am saying? So I guess that person will be me. I hope that someday… someone… will read this and maybe all my other blogs and find it helpful or inspirational or anything. If I help just one person have an easier time- I’d be pleased.
When I get back home for sure- I will be writing more extensive information about little tips and tricks and what I found out- REMEMBER I am no doctor. Just a girl living in Paris who happens to have Type 1 Diabetes.
but right now…
I need to vent. (But maybe it will still help someone out there).
Diabetes- I hate you right now. We really need to break up. You are not good to me. It’s you. not me. I put my all into you on a regular basis. and what do I get? Highs, feeling like crap, loss of concentration, and a crying session on the staircase. So this is not a healthy relationship right now- it’s time for you to shape up.
But don’t get me wrong- I try to be as positive as I can about Diabetes, but sometimes enough is enough ya know? and I reach my limit.
Luckily, I haven’t been micro-managing it like I do at home- I’d be a basket case. Just haven’t been able to. But everything added up- what I’ve been eating. the time change. not having a schedule. and the straw that did me in… not being able to run.
The food in Paris- is way less processed and everything- but I’m on a college budget. the food in the dorm is well… Where’s my wheat bread? Not a french thing at all. I haven’t been eating nearly as well- I’ve been trying. but without much control over that it has been hard. (when I live here in the future- I will have ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the control) At home- I eat so healthy- all the time- no processed. a ton of fruits and veggies and proteins. all wheat products. etc etc.
The time change- I’m thinking maybe I am used to the time change but my internal/biological clock is not- and I may be slightly more insulin resistant than I am at home. I have upped my insulin intake but it still isn’t cutting it.
At home I have a very consistent schedule… not here at all. but I don’t really mind it at all.
I was doing okay though for a while. Running in the 200s. but then… I hurt my foot… so no more running… and I’ve had a rough time ever since. I have been all over the place. going to bed at 84 waking up at 337. spiking to 447 after breakfast. not eating after dinner and still spiking. over and over again. all over the place. and I hate that.- London I did okay because there was natural or organic food everywhere and I was walking for about 4-6 hours everyday.
Running is like gold to me. Running sometimes works better than insulin. Some days even if I have already run- if I’m running high again- I will run again. It’s magic. Seriously.
Well today I had finally had it. I was having problems in class. couldn’t concentrate. notes look like chicken scratch. I felt terrible for days. and I was trying to put on a brave face.
Like I’ve said before. I have this problem with asking for help. I don’t do it really well. and I don’t do it until I reach a point. I know that isn’t the best. But it’s a defense mechanism now. I got so much crap about Diabetes in high school, and it would only get worse if I didn’t put on a happy face about it. (reason I am very into anti-bullying)I have this fear that this will always be the case- I know that is irrational. but I am working on it. I know that the group who’s here studying abroad with me will be wonderful about it- They’ve been so great about EVERYTHING. This is the first time in my life I have felt this comfortable with a group of people in regards to Diabetes. I know most of them would help me in an instant- but yet I still try to “suck it up” which I know is a bad idea! Sitting there saying I’m okay when I’m upset and embarrassed about my blood sugars. When I feel awful and I want to throw up…. is exhausting. and I think you can see my face and tell when I don’t feel anyways. So Why do I do it? I’m certain it is a defense mechanism.
Well- I reached my point. I cried in the stairwell (trying to hide). But people checked on me and asked if I was okay. I had been trying to not cry during class all morning… finally couldn’t take it anymore.
I talked to the office about food- and for the rest of my lunches I will only be eating veggies. I was so nervous to ask, but they were very willing to help. I am buying stuff for breakfast so that things will be a little better hopefully. And hopefully I can run tomorrow! My foot is almost there- but I don’t want to make it worse or anything. Hopefully I can get it in tomorrow morning or maybe this afternoon… we will see…
I know I should ask for help more than I do… I am trying to ask more when I do need it. I just have this need to do things on my own, but I also have this fear… I want to put on a brave face and act like it is all okay.
I have to remember… this is not high school anymore. It has gotten so much better. I hated high school so much- especially with Diabetes. The rest of the world is not the same. Europe is also great about it too. People in college are usually willing to hear, and people don’t judge as much when you leave high school (literally too). I know they are willing to help when I need, and I know they won’t judge me or anything for it… but somewhere in my head… it doesn’t connect. Hopefully one day it will.
Love, Words, Insulin, and Inspiration! -Until Next Time! and Until there’s a cure!
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