I can feel it. I can see it whenI look at my CGM with indifference. I can tell when I just pick a random number to draw out on my insulin pen to give insulin. It lurks around the corner when my usual inclination to try and trouble-shoot is nonexistent.

It’s back. But this time is different. This time I’m admitting it.

Hello burnout.

I’m not sure if it’s full blown burnout or just the logistics and healthcare. Who knows at this point.

What should I or anyone else expect when you’ve had over 10 appointments in a little over two months plus your body isn’t cooperating with you at all.

How am I supposed to feel? What’s supposed to happen when you’re in a survival mode and just trying to get through the days? How do you figure things out when there are still unknowns?

All of those questions and knowing it also isn’t over yet.

I’m glad I already planned a pump vacation to change things up, and I was even device free for a week when I didn’t wear my CGM.

I was suppose to write a post about pump vacations- but I’m evening struggling to write about diabetes right now. I’m a tad over it.

I want it all to vanish- the diabetes, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, thryoid issues, PCOS, and endometriosis. At least for a little while. I’d like to feel back to my definition of normal.

My desire is to cancel every appointment and to do the minimum whenever possible. I’d rather not fight to get answers.  I’m tired. I’m over it. Fed up.

Yep. That sure sounds like burnout to me.

Now before anyone sends me articles about how to avoid or get out burnout, please don’t. That escalates to avoidance behavior for me. One thing I did learn several years ago is that I need to feel it. I need to feel the burnout and process it. I need to deal with my emotions. I need to let myself hate diabetes to the extreme.

I’ve noticed some trends. Burnout hits me when other things are going on- specifically health related. A health issue that interferes with my management. That makes it near to impossible to manage it like I prefer. When- no matter what I do- I can’t get diabetes to cooperate with me or my health.

This happened my junior year of college when thyroiditis hit and I was doing WAY TOO MUCH with no self-care. I learned a lot then. 

Here I am today, with three new diagnoses– PCOS, endometriosis, and something thyroid to be determined. All of which is taking over two months to sort out, and it’s not even finished yet.

It felt like the rest of my body was snickering as I was doing what I should- it turned around and said screw it. Let’s change everything again. Let’s give you no patterns. Let’s make it so that managing blood sugars is even more of a chore than normal.

So what happens when you are doing what you should and it doesn’t matter?

It gets annoying and tiring.

Of course- I have burnout along the spectrum every now and then- we all do- and when people say they have never had any kind of burnout… it’s very hard for me to believe.

But I hate diabetes- more than usual. I hate that it can be tied to other things like my thyroid or hormones. I hate how many appointments there are. I hate having to fight to figure things out.

I hate how it impacts my mental health.

I hate it. I hate burnout. I hate that other outside (or inside) factors can add havoc to your everyday management, and after a while- you just get tired of it. I hate that there are things I’m putting on hold (which I need to and recognize is fine to do). 

So much of my life is diabetes- and by choice. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I would however change “the crap” that comes with diabetes.

I’m so glad that I’m already in counseling- we switched the focus to my diabetes burnout and recent health issues for right now.

I’m so glad I have self-care in my life (and that I learned my lesson last time).

I’m so glad I have wonderful people in my life.

And I’m so glad that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel- and I can feel myself beginning to emerge ever so slowly from burnout. Who knows how long I’ve been here. I can often feel myself slipping into it, but I never know when it really hits, until I’m already deeply there.

But as I get my answers and things improve- and I process everything- and I let people in (and allow them to stay)  that will pull me out of diabetes burnout. Even as I write this post- I can feel myself process and practice self-care that is always helpful for me. 

 

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We’ll both be glad you did! -Mindy