I’m curled up on the sidelines with my tips and tricks to get by while cheering on the birth control to defeat my body. Yes- in this weird twisted set up…. All I want is for my body to lose to the medication in this constant battle- this battle of chaotic and painful periods.

My body wants to constantly have a period. There’s the traditional nonsense of a period- but then I have PCOS and endometriosis along for the ride causing absolute mayhem. The overall laziness- lack of motivation- and insomnia is extreme for me. It really gets in the way of a lot.

So periods suck and the symptoms are hitting-

But with my endometriosis… my uterus is basically inside out. The pain is intolerable and wide spread. I’m nauseous and constantly beelining it for the bathroom. The cramps and bloating are constant reminders. But with my PCOS… the acne has made home all over my body and I can see the hair growth escalate.

I’m not supposed to have my period… but here I’ve been the past few weeks battling just that.

I can see the impact in what I mentioned above but also in my insomnia, blood sugars, and anxiety.

You see- I’ve been MIA. Not just from a lack of routine and getting behind in life. But because of this flare up with the PCOS and endometriosis- and it ebbs and flow- but that has impacted how MIA and behind I’ve been.

It all started a few weeks ago where an unexplained extreme spike in BG occured. I was fearful that my period was coming when I went through all of the other troubleshooting. Or maybe I was sick.

Well I didn’t get sick- and it didn’t seem like my period arrived the next day. I let myself believe that a lack of blood was enough of an answer- but- I should know better- but I wanted this to be the case.

That’s when the acne came full force all over my face and other parts of my body. That’s when the extreme lack of motivation slammed into my plans. My blood sugar was still chaotic.

But I wanted it to not be true. All of this kept occuring- I kept denying it.

It’s a flare up. I don’t want to say spotting because that diminishes what is really going on. It takes away from it.

Then a night of extreme insomnia arrived. When that occurs, there’s no more denying it. I have to admit it. I’m now at the point where I forced a period.

I’ve had an occasional quick flare up sporadically over the past few months- but upping the dose of birth control for a few days has worked.

And it’s not getting any better. The last time this happened was in January- but it wasn’t even this bad.

Everything hurts and my BG’s are chaos. It’s not fading away. At all. It’s interrupting a lot.

The pain meds barely make a dent.

Plus I was traveling. So it was hard to keep all of my essentials around for moments like these.

I don’t want to go to the doctor. I really don’t. I haven’t quite found an OBGYN I like yet- but things were managed enough.

I wanted a break from the logistics. I had so many appointments in 2016 because of this. And 2017 slowed down. Especially after the summer. I don’t want a million and one appointments. Again.

What I want is for it to get taken out. I want this all removed. I don’t want to play guess and check with the waiting game attached to hopefully find things that work.

I’m going to have to schedule that appointment soon if it doesn’t stop though….

I really don’t want to. I don’t want to have to share my history and stick up for myself with someone new.

I wish I could snap my fingers so it could all go away.

I wish I could trust my body and not hope that the birth control and pain meds will win out (but that they will win)… at least for this round. Until the next time it’s called to the ring.

I’ve watched my to do list grow and not get tackled. I’ve watched my inbox constantly increase. I’ve seen unacknowledged notifications sit by the wayside.

I don’t want to be overcaffeinated all of the time so I can get productive and to my usual standards. But…

I see myself behind on my book and feeling stressed about that- even though I gave myself a lot of wiggle room. I’m not behind to my goals and such- but I’m behind on my internal timeline. I haven’t posted Kickstarter Updates or been where I want to be on things with it (such as the updates, information, surveys, etc.). But I’ll get there- I will.

I just want the swords to stop stabbing me from the inside out so that I can’t back to my usual way of things.

And to be very up front…. I looked through my bullet journal- and I hadn’t logged any serious moments of stress- honestly this is the least stressed I have ever been in my life.

I just got done stating how my body seemed to be in a pretty good place. SPOKE TOO SOON.

I just want this flare up to end. But more importantly- I want it taken out (someday).

I’m also really appreciative of kitty cuddles.

 

 

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