Woah- my diabetes turns 17 today, and this month my blog turns 4.
Wait- I’ve had T1D for 17 years? 17 years ago- when I was 7- after being sick for months… we finally had our answer? Wow.
And I’ve been blogging for 4 years? Kind of blows my mind- especially the blogging part- especially because my intention was to blog about studying abroad with T1D- then peacing out. But then- I didn’t. I’ve been in it every since. My blog has changed of course over the years- now it’s not just about T1D- but also mental health and women’s health- with an emphasis of being honest- with myself and the world about it all.
There was a moment where I was wondering- what should I blog about for this? Should I blog at all? I’m slightly irritated at diabetes right now (especially after all of those lows last week and still this week).
Do I talk about numbers? Plug it all into a calculator to figure out how many times I’ve jabbed a needle somewhere? Say what it means to me? Talk about the change in diabetes over the years or myself?
I was leaning towards not at all to be completely honest.
But then, I went to see “Panic! At the Disco” in concert on Saturday. It hit me- I knew.
(photo I took of “This is Gospel” at the concert!)
I’ve been listening to this band for over 12 years, and I finally saw them live. I spent the most money I’ve ever spent on a concert ticket, and it’s the closest I’ve ever been to the stage. It was an early DiaBirthday present to myself. Yes- besides the parents I was basically the oldest one there- but really- I didn’t care (I was actually entertained by it all).
You see, the music, plus other music- in general- but especially at certain points in my life- specifically for about 10 years of my life- music is what was there. It’s what got me through so much. It helped me survive- put into words what I couldn’t and wouldn’t express out loud. It helped me to feel not alone.
The fact that music has gotten me through so much, and I’m at a point in my life where the thing on my mind that I’m bothered by is diabetes- that’s what I want to talk about.
In 6 years, I’ve come a long way from the girl who moved into her freshman dorm room. But especially in the almost two years since graduating college, I’ve come so far. I’ve worked on so much.
A lot has happened in my my life- and yes diabetes sucks- but it’s not the thing that has gotten to me the most. I didn’t work through things until I got to college. I didn’t grieve for my dad or anyone. I didn’t let anything out. I shoved it all deep inside, and it would come out in destructive patterns.
But when I got to college those things changed- I started to work on those things. But it wasn’t until after I graduated- and I was out of survival mode specifically- and I had options and time- and new surroundings- I’m a firm believer in the power of new environments– that’s when things really changed.
So during all of the those years, including the past 6 where I’ve been working on things, diabetes wasn’t on my radar- until I might hit critical mass (i.e.- my experience with diabetes burnout junior year). But now things have changed-
I firmly believe that everyone’s worst is valid for them because everyone is different- it can also change over the years and day to day. I don’t think complaining is bad- but I think that while you complain you should be trying to fix it if possible.
And for once- the thing that I am publicly displaying as what is “hitting me” is the same as what I express on the inside- diabetes.
Yeah- that’s what hit me at the concert. That’s what I’m focusing on this DiaBirthday- how far I’ve come with all of the other aspects of my life- to have diabetes- the sucky parts specifically- at the forefront of my mind- that shows how far I’ve actually come and worked through things. But of course- there are still things to work on- and of course things pop up sometimes- but yeah- woah!
And I’m not putting on a mask or hiding it or any of that. I’m actually being honest- real honesty.
And like I said last year- I have a life to live. So Happy DiaBirthday to me and Happy Anniversary to this blog! Time for my traditional red velvet cupcake!
(also I’m big fan that my diabirthday falls on International Women’s Day).
Hey you! Yes, you!
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