Diabetes, I hate you.

I’ve been in a writer’s block and use the “Kitchen Timer” method including having a journal pulled up. One day while trying to write what I needed to write- this is what came flying out of my mind and onto my keyboard. After that, I felt a bit better and my writing juices were flowing once again. The past few months have included a lot of loss… specifically in the diabetes community and a family member.

Dear Diabetes,

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate everything about you and everything you do.

I hate you.

I hate the way you make me feel.

You hurt the people I love.

I really truly hate you.

I hate you.

Deep down to my core- to my bones.

I can feel this hate in my soul.

This hate- it shakes my entire body.

I hate you.

Yes- you have brought a community, passion, and people but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I hate you. I love my community, passion, and people, but I hate you.

I really truly hate you.

There are so many reasons I hate you.

The money, the time, the symptoms, the pain, the complications, the scars and bumps, and so much more.

But right now- I really truly hate you for a specific reason-

You hurt the people I love.

You hurt them in so many ways.

You hurt them and you take them away from us- from me.

You hurt them directly. But you also hurt the people who love them and the communities that support them.

You hurt them.

I hate you.

Why do you have to do this?

  • I hate you!
  • When do I feel better?
  • How many times do I have to say I hate you?
  • How many nights do I have to scream into my pillow?
  • Why do I have to worry that the grief you cause will strike me at the inopportune moments?
  • Why do you become a trigger and remind me of people we’ve lost- I’ve lost?
  • Will the “seriousness” of diabetes ever stop being the main thing on my mind?
  • Will I stop fearing the worst when someone doesn’t respond in the timeframe they usually do?
  • Will the tears be less frequent?

I know I will feel better day by day and work through it all- because we’ve been here before- and we will be here again. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.

I hate you. I hate you so much. I don’t want to feel this way. You already do so much and cause so much damage- why do you have to take?

As I sit here and write- I feel the hate and I feel the hurt- I just want it go away. I don’t know what to do in this moment besides sharing my hatred for you. Because sharing through writing is part of my self-care- especially when the emotions are so strong- and I’m experiencing the sad kind of emotions.

Did I mention I hate you? I can remind you again- and I will- again and again.

  • I’ll say I hate you until the sun consumes us.
  • I’ll scream into each and every pillow I own (trust me it’s a lot).
  • I’ll let myself feel it- miss the people who are gone- appreciate the good memories.
  • I’ll work through the grief- even if it means finding those hiding places in public when it is the worst time.
  • I’ll continue to take care of you but you won’t be taking over my head space all of the time.
  • I’ll remind myself to not automatically go to the worst scenarios.
  • I’ll let myself cry when I need to.

But even after all of that, I’ll still hate you- because I always do. My hatred may not be all consuming but it is still there. Right now, it’s pretty damn consuming and consistent. I know that will change.

I hate you.

Because you hurt the people I love, you hurt me too- which increases my hate for you.

Diabetes, I hate you. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Throughout my entire soul. I’ll say it again and again until I feel better and until I need to say it again.

Diabetes, I hate you.

Hey you! Yes, you! 

Let’s connect on TwitterFacebook, or Instagram(maybe even 2 or all of those!). 

If you enjoyed this post, please comment and share. I’d also appreciate your feedback.

and of course-don’t forget to keep up with “There’s More to the Story” via email! (Right sidebar towards the top).

We’ll both be glad you did! -Mindy

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